In recent years with the boom of social networking sites namely Myspace and Facebook I have been getting messages from or talking to people whom I went to school with. For some reason, in almost every instance, the person I’m communicating with expresses their apologies for the way that I was treated in school and asks for my forgiveness. I feel the need to express my opinion on this topic.

I may still be angry at most everyone from school but I don't think they need forgiveness from me that's between them and their own personal god. Not to be mean by saying this but even if I forgave everyone from school it wouldn not make the past go away. Truthfully, I don't remember any specific instances with anyone that I'm in contact with now. Everyone is always asking me to forgive them but I see no reason to. As I told someone last week, I don't remember much of anything from school. I tried to block all those memories out to avoid the pain. All I really remember is the hurt that I feel every time I see someone that mistreated me in school.

The only time I really get angry is when people don't realize how their harsh treatments of others affect that person's life. It's not just me it's every person who's ever been bullied. There are too many people in this world who have attempted/committed suicide because of what others did to them. There are too many people who have gone into/died of addictions trying to avoid the pain that the past still brings up.

That's the only time I really get upset at the people in my past. I've attempted suicide several times. I now have nerve damage in my right hand because of an allergic reaction to the pills I took back in 2006. I have never done any drugs and drink on an extremely rare basis but I could have easily become one of those people.

I have lived a very harsh life and I know some of it is my fault and I know some of it could not be controlled but I also know that for some of it, all of the blame falls in the laps of the people who tortured me in school. Problem is these people don't realize that they are to blame for some of the harsh things that have happened in my life or in the lives of others. I'm not even sure I WANT them to know because I don't want anyone to pity me. YES, I've had a hard life but I've struggled and fought and overcome it. I just wish the past didn't come back to bite me in the ass almost every day.

Admittedly, every day of school was a nightmare for me but the thing is I wasn’t the only one who was tortured and tormented. I’m not worried about myself I’m more worried about the other people who went through the same kind of torment as me. I worry that they might not have been as strong as I and that they were not able to overcome the obstacles that were put in their way.

Don’t get me wrong with the statements I have made. I am not trying to place blame nor am I trying to accuse anyone of any wrongdoing. Everyone that I have spoken to seems to be of the same mindset that the way that I was treated in school was atrocious and I appreciate that most people have now realized their wrongdoings but I really don’t want to hear anymore I’m sorry’s or Please forgive me’s. If you feel the need to be forgiven for the hell that I was put through in school please ask for forgiveness of whatever god you pray to. Forgiveness is not mine to give.

If you’re wondering I’m doing much better now than when we were children. Some improvements have been very small, others have been quite large. When we were kids I had no self-esteem whatsoever because of the constant barrage of people telling me I was ugly, fat, stupid, etc., etc. My self-esteem has improved since then. Not drastically, mind you, but improved nonetheless. I still have problems looking in the mirror and not being disgusted at myself. I still have problems seeing myself as attractive enough for someone to want to get to know or date. I even still have problems making friends. On the rare occasion that I do make a friend or friends I usually end up running them off because I’m afraid they’re going to hurt me like all the times before so I hurt them first. My self-esteem is definitely something that will take years to get to normal levels.

Another problem is that, for some reason, and I’m not sure what the exact cause would be or if it’s a combination of things, but for some reason I have not been able to hold down a lasting, happy relationship. I’ve had several relationships but I did not have my first relationship until I was 23 and it was also my longest- a year and three months. Since the day that we broke up in 2004 I have not been able to make another one last. I don’t know, maybe that has nothing to do with my younger years, it might fall squarely in the lap of the other half of that relationship cheating on me while my mother was in the hospital and dying. I don’t know. Most likely it’s a compilation of everything over the years. That’s the hardest wall I’ve ever had to climb and I hope to one day be able to overcome it and finally be happy. I don’t know.

On the other hand, if you’ve been a “friend” on one of these sites for some time you know that I am a full time college student at Tarrant County College South Campus. I have a 3.6 GPA. I am on 2 honors societies: Phi Theta Kappa is the basic honors society and Sigma Kappa Delta is the English honors society. I just received a letter in the mail on Friday, August 7, 2009 telling me I have been accepted to the Dean’s List at TCC.

I have one semester left at TCC, this coming Fall. I will be taking College Algebra and Biology II. I will also start at Texas Wesleyan University this Fall. I will be taking Logic, Intro to the New Testament, Intro to Writing, and Spanish I. I will have a full ride to TWU because of my grades at TCC .

I recently moved out of the homeless shelter and into my own apartment on March 7, 2009. I love my apartment and am thankful for it every day. I also have a car that is out and out mine. Only problem with that is that I don’t know how to drive. I never had the chance to learn.

So as you can see I am doing very well for myself. The only aftereffects of the treatment I endured throughout my entire grade schooling is the self-esteem problems and I’m sorry to say that that is the one, maybe not only, but the one thing that I would say falls directly into the laps of everyone who mistreated me in school as well as my sister, Andrea, who was my protector at school but my tormentor at home.

I am sorry if I have aroused any anger in anyone who knew me in school. That was not my intention. I just wanted to express my feelings on the topic of people asking for my forgiveness.

I would like to say a thank you to three people. Only one of them is on these sites but maybe the other two will someday know that I am eternally grateful to them. Jeff Lawson: we have known each other since we were very, very young and even though we never became really good friends or hung out or anything like that he has always been nice to me and treated me like a normal human being. (I know you hate being called Jeff but that’s what I’ve called you since we were young and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to calling you Jeffrey so you’ll just have to endure my calling you Jeff. LOL) Ericke Spencer: He was a very true friend for the last couple years of high school and even saved me from a very scary experience involving another classmate of ours and I will always be grateful to him. Tasha Taylor: I met her when I was a Junior and she was a Sophomore and she was my first true best friend. I’ve since lost touch with her and miss her dearly. She has no idea how much her friendship has always meant to me. I thank all three of them so very much. I could never repay the debt I owe you.